EXCESSIVE ABSENCES Attention: All Personnel Subject: Excessive Absences The following rules are now in effect: Sickness: Absolutely no excuses. We will no longer accept your doctor’s statement as proof, as we believe that if you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work. Leave of Absence for an operation: …
FIRED WITH ENTHUSIASM Dr. Clark Kerr, director Carnegie Commission on Higher Education, recalling his dismissal as president of the University of California: I left the presidency as I entered it, fired with enthusiasm.
CORPORATE AMERICANS You know you work in corporate America if . . . + You’ve sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies. + Your company welcome sign is attached with Velcro. + Your resume is on a diskette in your pocket. + The company logo on your badge …
NEW EMPLOYEE WANTED A businessman tells his friend that his company is looking for a new employee. His friend asks, “Didn’t your company hire a new employee a few weeks ago?” The businessman replies, “That’s the employee we’re looking for.”
BE LOYAL TO THE MAN If you must work for a man, be loyal to him. Speak well of him, stand with him and support him. An ounce of loyalty is worth a pound of work. If you must condemn and find fault…QUIT! But as long as you are working for a man, do not …
NO EXCEPTIONS “I’m very sorry,” said the personnel manager, “but if I let you take two hours off for lunch today, I’d have to do the same for every other employee whose wife gave birth to quadruplets.” Anonymous author
BRAIN WORKS The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the moment you get up and does not stop until you get into the office. — Robert Frost
FIRED WITH ENTHUSIASM If you are not fired with enthusiasm, you’ll be fired with enthusiasm! Coach Vince Lombardi
LOVE MY JOB QUIZ 1. OUR BENEFITS PROGRAM IS… a. more than a little generous. b. fair and impartial. c. all the rubber bands you can stuff down your pants. 2. IF THE OFFICE WERE ON FIRE, I’D IMMEDIATELY GRAB… a. important files and key documents. b. valuable machinery. c. some jumbo marshmallows and a …
SIMULTANEOUS EFFECTIVENESS One employer said to his questioning employee: “The raise in salary will become effective just as soon as you do.”
EMPLOYMENT TRUST If you suspect a man, don’t employ him, and if you employ him, don’t suspect him. A Chinese Proverb
SALARY SECURITY The personnel manager said to the job applicant: “We keep salaries low so you won’t have so much to lose if you get fired.” Anonymous author
ADEPT QUALITIES Phillip Crosby, the quality guru, used to give all his new employees a wooden pen holder with the word ADEPT engraved on it. The letters stand for: Accurate, Discrete, Enthusiastic, Productive, Thrifty. In business, these are the attributes of professionalism. In the realm of God, these are the attributes of a passionate follower …
BOZO BOSSES The originator of “Dilbert” comic strip, Scott Adams, shares a few of the stories that his readers sent in to him about their own bosses: An impatient and frustrated boss was sitting in front of his computer. One of his employees walked over to ask him what the problem was. The boss blurted, …
JOB THOUGHTS Things you wish you could say at work: I don’t know what your problem is, but I bet it’s hard to pronounce. How about never? Is never good for you? I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter. I’m not being rude, you’re just insignificant. If I throw a stick, will you …
NEW COMPANY POLICIES SICKNESS AND RELATED LEAVE: We will no longer accept a doctor’s statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work. SURGERY: Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should …
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RESURRECTED EMPLOYEES If you don’t believe in the resurrection of the dead you ought to be here five minutes before quitting time! Sign in San Francisco wholesale florist, taken from the April, 1981 issue of Parables, Etc.
THREE LAMENTS Employee’s Lament: I’m working too hard. I’m not paid enough. I’m smarter than my boss. I work harder than the other employees. They’re ripping me off and taking advantage of me. They’re fortunate to have me here Manager’s Lament: My employees are clueless, lazy goof-offs. Their work is poor and their attitudes stink. …
IN PRISON OR AT WORK So you wonder why you can’t accomplish more at work. Here are some possible explanations: IN PRISON…you spend the majority of your time in an 8×10 cell. AT WORK…you spend most of your time in a 6×8 cubicle. IN PRISON…you get three meals a day. AT WORK…you only get a …