EGYPTIAN FRIENDSHIPS Friendship is the first step toward successful business in Egypt. Canny American traders invite a business prospect out for a meal before even thinking of broaching a serious commercial subject. To "eat bread…
Sermon Illustrations
CLEAN OR COMFORTABLE? Each summer I chaperone a group of third and fourth grade boys through several days at church camp. One summer things went smoothly and I congratulated myself on our accomplishments, not the…
KEEPING POSTED I heard of one young man who was determined to win the affection of a girl who refused to even see him. He decided that the way to her heart was through the…
A SUSPICIOUS CONGREGATION When a minister steps behind the pulpit, he dare not assume that his congregation sits expectantly on the edge of the pews, waiting for his sermon. In reality, they are probably a…
LACK OF OBEDIENCE A husband and wife were discussing the possibility of taking a trip to the Holy Land. "Wouldn't it be fantastic to go to the Holy Land and stand and shout the Ten…
GOOSE TALK "Supposing geese could speak? Then they would arrange for their own church services. Every Sunday they would come together and a gander would preach the sermon. The essential content of his sermon would…
SHOCK THERAPY A patient in a doctor's waiting room heard a scream from within the doctor's examining room, and saw an elderly woman come out and quickly depart in a state of agitation. "What happened?"…
CORRECT THE PROBLEM "I ain't had no fun all summer," wrote the teacher on the chalkboard. "How do you correct this?" she asked the class. "Get a boyfriend," one student answered.
FIGHTING TEMPTATION Mother: "Billy, What are you doing there in the pantry?" Billy: "Fighting temptation, Mom."
FOREVER YOUNG When police arrested a street hustler for selling eternal youth pills, they discovered he was a repeat offender. He'd been arrested on the same charge in 1265, 1845 and 1902.
ALLEN'S SWISS SIGN Woody Allen: "If only God would give me some clear sign - like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank."
BAD BIDS A man bought a parrot at an auction after some heavy bidding. "I hope this bird talks," he told the auctioneer. "Talk?" the auctioneer replied. "Who do you think has been bidding against…
NOT MY BRAINS Husband: "Junior must get his brains from one of us." Wife: "It must be you. I still have mine."
GET A WATCH A man taking his grandfather clock to be repaired, rounded a corner and ran right into another man, sending him sprawling. After receiving profuse apologies, the man on the ground got up,…
PRAYER RATES The daughter of a telephone operator was asked in religion class to define prayer. "Prayer," said the child, "is messages sent up at night and on Sundays when the rates are lowest."
NEXT TO DIE Frustrated because of his wife ridiculing him for his stupidity, a man put a gun to his head and threatened suicide. When she burst out laughing at the apparent threat, he shouted,…
BURNT OFFERINGS "My wife treats me like a god; She keeps giving me burnt offerings."
A LACK OF PATIENTS Lawyer: "How do you deal with persons seeking free advice at cocktail parties, Doctor?" Doctor: "I tell them to undress."
WINDY WINDOW Elderly woman at airline ticket counter: "No window seat, please. I don't want my new hairdo mussed up."
GOLF SETTLEMENT Man hit with a golf ball: "I'll sue you for $5,000!" Other golfer: "I said 'fore'!" Injured man: "I'll take it!"
