PAINT THE JEWELS An elderly woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist: "Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and gold Rolex." "But you are…
Sermon Illustrations
TOO MANY WOMEN A man on trial in Tennessee had previously pleaded "not guilty." A jury was chosen that consisted of nine women and three men. When the man learned that there were nine women…
THE RIGHT FORMULA The junior high school principal had a problem with some girls who were starting to use lipstick. When applying it in the bathroom they would blot their lips on the mirrors, leaving…
FILLING THE JAR A while back I was reading about an expert on subject of time management. One day this expert was speaking to a group of business students and, to drive home a point,…
DOCTOR GOD This one is for those who think doctors like to play God: A doctor dies and goes to heaven for judgment. St. Peter meets the doctor at the pearly gates and checks him…
WORMS & LIONS When the Nazis invaded the Netherlands, some villages asked the local medical doctor what they should do. "Before the invading army we must be as lions," he replied, "before God as worms."…
NOT DEAD The best part about growing old is that you are not dead.
THE DRIVER'S SIDE A husband and wife stopped at a service station. As the attendant pumped the gas, he walked to the front of the car to wipe the windshield. The attendant noticed that the…
FISHING RULES Fishing rule #1: The least experienced fisherman always catches the biggest fish. Fishing rule #2: The worse your line is tangled, the better is the fishing around you. Fishing rule #3: Fishing will…
EDUCATION OR IGNORANCE The only thing more expensive than education is ignorance.
NOBODIES EXALTING SOMEBODY Missionaries are very human folks, just doing what they are asked. Simply a bunch of nobodies trying to exalt somebody. -- Jim Elliott
VIRTUES OF A WEED A weed is a plant whose virtues have not been discovered. By Ralph Waldo Emerson
NOTHING COSTS NOTHING Ministry that costs nothing accomplishes nothing. -- John Henry Jovett
WORKING ON ETERNITY If we work upon marble, it will perish; if we work upon brass, time will efface it. . . . but if we work upon immortal minds . . . we engrave…
TEARING THE WOUND If you can't heal the wound, don't tear it open. From a Danish Proverb
ROOM FOR MORE DISORDER The definition of spring cleaning: creating order from disorder in order to make room for more disorder. From The Way We Are, by Lois Wyse
HE'S STILL MOVING Three friends die in a car crash and go to the gate of heaven for their after-death orientation. They are each asked, "As you lie in your casket and your friends and…
FLOATING PEW SOLUTION A potential dangerous situation has developed in the church sanctuary. The pews which are as old as the church have begun to dry out. This loss of moisture, and the subsequent loss…
NO STATUES TO CRITICS A young musician's concert was poorly received by the critics. The famous Finish Composer Jean Sibelius consoled him by patting him on the shoulder and saying, "Remember, son, there is no…
CLOWN'S PRAYER: Lord, as I stumble through this life, help me to create more laughter than tears, dispense more happiness than gloom, spread more cheer than despair. Never let me become so indifferent that I…
